recently, I've been lots of thinking...
i've started to question myself, do i really love him? sometimes, i wished he will just be there for me always. but honestly speaking, i couldn't see any future with him. we're like two parallel line. never will have a meeting point. it's just for some reasons or circumstances, our life were interwined n mix up at that moment. And, sooner or later, things still need to be sort out n return back to the normal.
Is this how we supposed to end up with?
are we at wrong to begin, in the beginning?
i'm so sick n tired of being in a relationship.
I even started to think of breaking up with him. sch, work, money, family, frenx,him and now even communication starts to become our problem.
Do I really possess the ability to overcome all the difficulties in between us?
Does he wants to include me in his future?
I loathe the idea of needing to break up with him.
I loathe myself for having not much ability to fully support myself.
I loathe myself for wanting so strong about being independant.
I even loathe myself for being 20 yrs old this yr.
day passes each days, I am getting more n more depress.
I can't help having no confidence at all in long distance.r.
n i can't help in being a workholic cuz i like what i'm doing and I need money to support myself too.
I really want to go on back-packing. but why, why it is always the money becomes my big issue?
I hate it when I always facing this type of situation.
why am i couldn't get my desired answer when I tried so hard for it.
For so long, I've finally break down n cry just now.
Feel better cuz everytime I have to pretend that I'm strong enough to shoulder everything.
i remember, not long ago, jonatan n i had a small argument about appearance n love. my idea is i don't care how u look, even if in the future u've become fat n ugly n old I'll still love u for who u r. But his idea is physical attraction is vital. he wants himself to be an attraction to me. so he keep on complaining how much weight he has put on ever since he came here. i told him abt my idea n he disagree. he misinterpret me that i love him blindly not sensibily. As in, if he lost the ability to attract me physically, then he don't deserve to love me n i will not love him cuz he lost the basic physical attraction. he said he always want to look good for me. N i asked him if one day i lost the ability to look good for him? does he mean that he need to kick me aside?
he said no, cuz i always looks good and he said i can still put on 5 more kg. he don't mind.
:)
sweet talk. He don't mind that 5 more kg but I mind a lot about it.
I always wonder what he sees in me? It not that I feel low-self esteem. It's really really makes me wondering cuz it just after one movie n he tries to hold my hand.
n just three dates like tt, he told me honestly that he doesn't want us to be just fling.
n over the soon to be 3 mths, he has proved what he want us to be.
you don't bring ur fling to every outing that u have with ur fren or colleagues.
you don't intro ur fling to ur boss.
you don't tell ur best fren everytime that u're with ur fling.
you don't tell ur mom u have a fling.
n there's a lot 'you don't'
n he's being very protective of me when I met a crazy stalker. he even felt bad when he not able to stop the stalker keep on sms me everytime.
he always surprise me with the things i want w/o asking me or giving him any hints.
the way he treat his family n frenx n colleagues with big heart is also why i fond of him a lot.
he's someone who is so free-spirited n humourous totally brighten up my life n widen my point of views.
n did i say it's gonna be a long post about jonatan? :) it's so weird cuz i suddenly miss him so much about his goodness in the middle of the night.
so suddenly that all his good points floated around on my mind n the bad one, hidden in one corner.
i will sure miss him badly when he go back israel to study.
most probably terribly horribly badly missing of him.
hmm.. i think i'll continue tomorrow cuz it's late n i dozing off every now n then. :)
凌晨1:36
