I like working in the flower shop. Especially the idea of create a bouquet or an arrangment that will brighten up someone's day. I find it unusually meaningful and have a sense of satisfaction. Flowers are beautiful and who wouldn't smile when they receive flowers from someone regardless is a he/she.
I'm fine with the work I'm doing right now. Learning and practising skills everyday so life is kinda packed and tired actually. Just that sometimes it's difficult to get off day cuz the shop is lack of staffs. I might really continue to work with my current boss if everything goes well for the coming 2-3 yrs. But I don't know... everything changed cuz I'm with jonatan.
He told me this time he goes back to study, he'll gonna be real focus. I was like... oky~ focus.. I support his thinking. Cuz I would want him to graduate well.
I'm so gonna sure that I'll miss him like craze and human's heart changes quite fast. If let say I'm gonna stop contact him for a mth or so, he'll probably starts to think that I don't want to be with him and think wildly whereas I migh be real busy or too tired to msg him only.
So, we're talking about sometimes how small / how stupid a thing can change the whole world.
These few days, I keep on searching the internet to find ways to work in his country. But, all come to no avail. I'm just getting more n more depress about it each days as it is getting near to the day he'll gonna leave s'pore n will nv come back.
But, will there be any chances of him thinking to stay here in singapore? I know clearly that it's a silly question becuz he needs to be back to israel~ His family and frenz are there, if our position change today, I will probably wants to go back too.
However, I just can't defeat the little voice inside me shouting out loud that I want him to stay and be with me. This is so sucks that I don't ever ever want to be in this situation again!
Everytime, I tried to divert my attention to other fren or things, but somehow at the end of the day, same old things repeats... I just can't be secure enough to think that at this moment he will not leave me cuz the fear of the fact that he's leaving soon just makes me think that, i'm gonna be heartbroken again like last time. Endless days of crying, swollen eyes, months of depression, countless of missingness n lonliness... n then, the sudden yet expected breakup, all just enough to makes me lost belief in love n happiness again.
And, I will not break up with him for the moment, cuz, I just can't bring myself to hurt him for he has done nth wrong but keep on loving n pamper me.
This is so hard n troublesome!
Why can't I just have a proper relationship with a guy n then get marry when the time is right n have a few babies n ta-da~ Happy Ending! Never have to face the situation of him being in another country from me, never have to face the many many insecurities, never have to worry much about the future. I think, I'll definitely need a good talk with him while we're travelling.
I'm just so stress up right now for the upcoming stupid exam. It is so unwanted in the moment right now... damm...
晚上10:19
recently, I've been lots of thinking...
i've started to question myself, do i really love him? sometimes, i wished he will just be there for me always. but honestly speaking, i couldn't see any future with him. we're like two parallel line. never will have a meeting point. it's just for some reasons or circumstances, our life were interwined n mix up at that moment. And, sooner or later, things still need to be sort out n return back to the normal.
Is this how we supposed to end up with?
are we at wrong to begin, in the beginning?
i'm so sick n tired of being in a relationship.
I even started to think of breaking up with him. sch, work, money, family, frenx,him and now even communication starts to become our problem.
Do I really possess the ability to overcome all the difficulties in between us?
Does he wants to include me in his future?
I loathe the idea of needing to break up with him.
I loathe myself for having not much ability to fully support myself.
I loathe myself for wanting so strong about being independant.
I even loathe myself for being 20 yrs old this yr.
day passes each days, I am getting more n more depress.
I can't help having no confidence at all in long distance.r.
n i can't help in being a workholic cuz i like what i'm doing and I need money to support myself too.
I really want to go on back-packing. but why, why it is always the money becomes my big issue?
I hate it when I always facing this type of situation.
why am i couldn't get my desired answer when I tried so hard for it.
For so long, I've finally break down n cry just now.
Feel better cuz everytime I have to pretend that I'm strong enough to shoulder everything.
i remember, not long ago, jonatan n i had a small argument about appearance n love. my idea is i don't care how u look, even if in the future u've become fat n ugly n old I'll still love u for who u r. But his idea is physical attraction is vital. he wants himself to be an attraction to me. so he keep on complaining how much weight he has put on ever since he came here. i told him abt my idea n he disagree. he misinterpret me that i love him blindly not sensibily. As in, if he lost the ability to attract me physically, then he don't deserve to love me n i will not love him cuz he lost the basic physical attraction. he said he always want to look good for me. N i asked him if one day i lost the ability to look good for him? does he mean that he need to kick me aside?
he said no, cuz i always looks good and he said i can still put on 5 more kg. he don't mind.
:)
sweet talk. He don't mind that 5 more kg but I mind a lot about it.
I always wonder what he sees in me? It not that I feel low-self esteem. It's really really makes me wondering cuz it just after one movie n he tries to hold my hand.
n just three dates like tt, he told me honestly that he doesn't want us to be just fling.
n over the soon to be 3 mths, he has proved what he want us to be.
you don't bring ur fling to every outing that u have with ur fren or colleagues.
you don't intro ur fling to ur boss.
you don't tell ur best fren everytime that u're with ur fling.
you don't tell ur mom u have a fling.
n there's a lot 'you don't'
n he's being very protective of me when I met a crazy stalker. he even felt bad when he not able to stop the stalker keep on sms me everytime.
he always surprise me with the things i want w/o asking me or giving him any hints.
the way he treat his family n frenx n colleagues with big heart is also why i fond of him a lot.
he's someone who is so free-spirited n humourous totally brighten up my life n widen my point of views.
n did i say it's gonna be a long post about jonatan? :) it's so weird cuz i suddenly miss him so much about his goodness in the middle of the night.
so suddenly that all his good points floated around on my mind n the bad one, hidden in one corner.
i will sure miss him badly when he go back israel to study.
most probably terribly horribly badly missing of him.
hmm.. i think i'll continue tomorrow cuz it's late n i dozing off every now n then. :)
凌晨1:36
